If you saw an elder person sitting alone at a restaurant, would you ask to join? Or maybe you'd walk past and feel bad for the person? Or maybe you wouldn't even notice him sitting there. 

I'm fortunate that I get to talk to elder people all the time. But when I'm at a cafe, I'm usually running to get somewhere else. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I don't even notice people sitting alone, yet alone ask if I can join.

Sound familiar?

As part of their story, clients tell me about tough losses. The death of a parent or even a child. A tough divorce. Moving away from a childhood home and friends.

It doesn't have to be a painful memory to feel like a loss. How many of us are sad when our kids graduate high school or, uh hum, preschool? 

Kerry Egan, author of On Living, wrote:

"No love is ever wasted....Even if the relationship doesn't last. Even if it ends in pain, betrayal or death….

Tom and Emily asked their dad to record his stories. Amy wants her mom to do the same. Same goes for Len and his mother. 

To their surprise, their parents all said, "Not right now." To put it in context, one of these parents is just getting over Covid;

Sam is a dapper man. He's got an eye for style and is known for his stunning cufflinks. They're his trademark and he's amassed quite a collection.

Let's Reimagine refers to After Giving as the "practice of creating something while you are alive meant to be given to people after you die. It can be objects, maps of your favorite things, or your stories."

Most of us aren't like Sam, with a trademark collection. But all of us can create something to share with the people closest to us.

But why wait til after?

For my mother's 80th birthday, I joined a group of her friends for lunch. I mostly just sat back and took it in.

• Helen talked about the release of her new children's book.

• Janet talked about her husband's progressing dementia and ways she hoped to stay active.

• They all talked about racism. 

These friends spoke frankly of the myriad of ways they struggled and were fulfilled. 

Are you a good listener?

According to MindTools, "Poor listeners hear what's being said, but they rarely listen to the whole message."

As someone who interviews people for a living, I’ve literally made it my business to get the whole message. But at home, I could definitely up my listening game. How about you?

Kate Murphy, author of "You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters" offers help. Take a look.

We imagine, "riding off into the sunset" as heading to a heaven for living people -- a place filled with ease. It's a comforting image for a retirement party, but look it up and you'll find this:

To depart and fade into obscurity. Uh, no thank you!

In her book, Getting Good at Getting Older, Rabbi Laura Geller illustrates how "Perennials are still blooming, and for Elders, it's time to be yourself."

Lois is beautiful. She takes pride in her looks. Her mannerisms and lovely way of speaking match her appearance. But life hasn't been easy. Lois has had her share of hardship and loss.

Her values have kept her steady through tough times. In her letter to her children she writes:

"I am most proud of the life I have tried to live. I respect and treat all people with dignity. I strive to overcome challenges and I constantly look for enlightening things. I am open. I am dynamic."

Massages, facials, hair touch-ups. You'll find these in my self-care toolkit along with yoga and drinks with friends.

All of these are restorative, but is there more to self-care than feeling good? And is self-care a luxury? 

On a recent episode of Nada Jones' "Meet Me in the Middle", life and career coach Emma Whittard described self care as an active, mandatory, contemplative practice.

"I wonder what my boys would say about me."

Laura, an 81 year old client, had just finished gushing over her sons, thoughtfully describing what she admires about the people they've become. 

Laura knows that her sons love her. They're not shy about saying "I love you." But she has no idea what exactly about her they appreciate and even admire. 

Unspoken hurt feelings and hidden resentment don't sit well with me. I like to work things out. But it's not like I go looking for uncomfortable conversation.

Confronting someone can be frustrating and emotional. Why would anyone want to add that to their plate?

"May we bring into this world,

A bit more truth, a bit more justice,

A bit more love

Than there would have been,

Had we not loved the world enough

To quarrel with it -

Out of a vision of what ought to be."

June's letter is ready. All she has to do is sit back and listen to me read her story to her. She's excited, nervous and totally unsure of how everything could have possibly come together. For me, it's thrilling!

As I read her letter aloud, June quietly takes it in. 

After I say “Love, Mom”, there's a pause before a wholehearted, "Wow."

"Hearing you read it to me, I kept thinking, "Did I say that?" I know those words came out of head and my heart and it feels great."

Yes, you said all that.

Sitting in a Poly Sci class at UVM eons ago, I heard a stat that's stuck with me: 75% of people get their political affiliation from their parents. Back then, that not only made sense, but was reassuring. But with today's circus it's alarming as hell and doesn't tell the story of the other 25% who are estranged from their family.

But what about values? Can we be diametrically opposed to our family’s political beliefs and still have shared values?

A friend of mine grew up with liberal parents and she, herself is liberal. But her extended family is on the end of the political spectrum. My friend will tell you that this hasn't affected their feelings for one another. How could that be? It's because, she says, they connect around shared values of hard work, integrity, family first, welcoming the stranger, and many others.

Yesterday, on a hike in Redwood Regional Park with our dog, Jules, a man with a walking stick asked, "How long have you had your dog?" That stopped me in my tracks because it wasn't the typical question. Turns out, this wouldn't be the typical interaction.

You know Kelly Corrigan? Among her many talents is her gift for delivering impactful commencement speeches. Her talk to the Walker School's 2021 grads was about seizing every opportunity to connect. Her reason?

"Everyone, everywhere has stories to tell you and things to teach you." Amen!